Bisexuals Join The party

The world is divided into two types of people: those who believe the world is divided into two types of people and those who don’t.

Polarity is a disturbing concept and is rarely borne out in reality, yet is all-pervading in our either-or society. For instance what, in nature, is truly black or white? Is it not likely that most objects we would refer to as ‘black’ are actually various shades of other colours? Colour can be seen as a cultural or language construct. In Russian there is no such colour as ‘pink’ but that which we would refer to as pink would be ‘light red’.

If a simple notion like colour can be so complex when deconstructed, how are we to define and delineate such a slippery customer as the spectrum of sexuality? Sexual desire, which existed before language, law, political correctness and patriarchal dominance, is not to be contained. One may be aware of one’s desires but few are able to ignore or control them without seeking a safe outlet somewhere. Classifying the shades of human sexuality is a thankless task, for once the list is drawn up a new variation will surface.

Therefore I, as a self-defined monogamous lesbian in a committed relationship with a woman, accept that I occasionally feel attracted to a man. I don’t call myself bisexual although someone looking at my behaviour over my lifetime may do so. I like the word ‘lesbian’, not ‘homosexual’ or ‘bisexual’ as it doesn’t have the word ‘sex’ in it and therefore doesn’t necessitate a sex-act to anchor it to my identity. That doesn’t mean I’m not interested in sex: far from it! Being a lesbian is for me as much a political statement as a personal choice. Enjoying having sex with someone is always going to be personal.

I am an all-inclusive person. I’ve never chosen my friends or lovers based on their gender, sexuality, or any other aspect of their background, but on a commonality of interests and meeting of minds, and of course attraction. I don’t shun a lesbian who sometimes sleeps with men, or one who is in a committed relationship with a man. I don’t see why this person would be a ‘traitor to the cause’. I have to ask myself ‘what cause?’ The idea that a bisexual person is not upholding the lesbian cause assumes that a single manifesto is followed strategically by members of the lesbian community. Those who don’t follow it are seen as invalid candidates who shouldn’t hold the lesbian card and must go and find another exclusive club to join.

When we, at whatever point in our lives, realised that we were women who were attracted to other women, we rejected the role dictated by society. We saw those rules of being a ‘true’ woman and said, simply, ‘no’. This does not mean that we should reject every single one of the precepts of womanhood, nor does it mean that we should replace those rules with another set of rules about what one should or shouldn’t be/do/look like in order to be ‘true’.

I was astonished the first time I saw ‘bi-phobia’ in action, having experienced much anti-gay aggression from the heterosexual community and not expecting such venom to be directed from lesbians against their own. I was LGB Officer at my university in 1990 and hosting a National Students’ Union Lesbian and Gay conference. Naïvely I hadn’t considered the impact of a Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual group hosting a Lesbian and Gay conference. I sorely regretted my lack of foresight. Items on the agenda were continually hijacked by visiting delegates who insisted that some of our members, who had taken part in organising the event, should not have their voices heard.

The objection came mainly from lesbians who did not want bisexual men in their space as they would feel sexually threatened. This is a fair enough argument, but we had already set up a women-only caucus for just this reason. During these discussions, many of the points highlighted in Hanna’s debate against bisexuals were given as grounds for distrusting, excluding and being suspicious of our bi members, i.e. that they are pretending/confused/promiscuous/uncommitted and generally unhealthy. One lesbian suggested that if we allowed bisexuals into our group then we should also allow ‘dog f***ers and other perverts’. She repeated this vehemently.

Emergency caucuses were set up so that the objectors could feel comfortable in the conference room and our LGB group would have the opportunity to discuss the issue separately. One gay male suggested, rather unhelpfully, that the bisexuals in the group should pretend that they weren’t bisexual for the duration of the conference so that they may be admitted and the issue could be avoided. Eventually, we won out and bisexuals were allowed into the conference, though some had understandably got hacked off and disappeared into the adjoining SU bar. However, some stayed and the issue continued to arise throughout the weekend.

Many discussions during that conference gave rise to some disturbance in my own identity. My lover at the time was a pre-op M2F transsexual, who was also at the conference – the only out trans person there – and getting a lot of stick herself. I did not identify myself as bisexual: although I had experimented with men as well as women I knew where my preferences clearly lay. This lovely, clever and strong woman was much more than an experiment for me, however. I had been notoriously promiscuous and saw it as my duty as LGB Officer to be as overtly lesbian as possible. I identified socially as lesbian (and still do) but have always been fluid as far as my sexual attraction and attractiveness is concerned. I just don’t ‘do’ rigid.

At the conference I came under attack for being bisexual myself. Throughout the anti-bisexual shenanigans there ran a strong thread of anti-trans directed towards my lover. Her not being a ‘real’ woman meant that I was not a ‘real’ lesbian. I could not believe how narrow-minded, prejudiced and downright rude some of those people were. My lover was criticised, patronised and ridiculed, more so perhaps by our so-called ‘sisters’ than by the wider student community, to which at least she was accustomed.

It is the human condition to categorise: our brain is wired up that way as it aids memory. Unfortunately this categorisation results in pinning people to a board like collected butterflies. I am not to be pinned down, and I don’t believe anyone should be. I have struggled on so many levels and to say that bisexuals don’t struggle with issues is to belittle their experiences.

So she went with a man after splitting up with you. Poor you! Move on; get another lover; get a life. It doesn’t mean that she never truly loved you, or that you put her off women. It just means that she isn’t as limited in her desires as you are. And what is the point in having a cake if you can’t eat it?

Josie Henley-Einion (Velvet Issue10, Nov 2006)