Online Lesbian dating

I’ve developed a somewhat jaded view of the cattle-market nature of the gay scene over the years, so it’s unlikely I’ll see online dating in a positive light. However, dutiful researcher that I am, on being asked to write this article I typed “lesbian dating” into Google and found a few contenders.

The first surprise I had was the sheer volume of sites. Google became Gooooooooogle as the list expanded. I wondered if they were the type of sites with highly sexual content of the sort that wouldn’t interest me (type ‘lesbian’ into Google and you’re just as likely to find content designed for heterosexual male viewing as you are for lesbian).

I’m not new to the Internet at all, have my own website and have been a member of all sorts of on-line chat groups from writers’ groups and IT specialists’ help forums to blogs and myspaces. I’ve steered away from the dating sites, though, as they seem suspiciously sleazy, and not being single I never felt the need.

It strikes me that online dating is very similar to any other sort of ‘blind date’, whether you use small ads, agencies, pen-pal networks, telephone chat-lines or any other medium it’s all about meeting people anonymously. So I was prepared to be unimpressed by more of the same.

Anonymous dating can be an exciting adventure in that you create a persona for yourself, meet people who aren’t going to prejudge you based on looks, and make friends with someone that you’ve never actually met. However, because of these very facts, it is also rife with dangers in that the people you meet may also be lying about themselves. They may have sent you an out-of-date photo or one of someone else entirely. If all you’re interested in is chatting and flirting then this probably doesn’t really matter, but if you’re looking for that special somebody to meet up and share your life with, then you have to consider that he or she may not be all that you’ve grown to love in your virtual world. You could be disappointed and worse, the feeling may be mutual!

One particular aspect of the Internet/email revolution that differs from other anonymous meetings is the immediacy and intimacy of contact. Whether it is in meeting new people or making contact with people you already know, email has made it possible to maintain a relationship over a long distance. I have friends and acquaintances all over the world from meeting people online. Some of these I’ve never actually ‘met’ in the physical sense but am intellectually and emotionally connected to through this form of communication so I do consider them as friends.

Emailing has also saved my relationship on a number of occasions. If it weren’t possible to email my partner with ‘sorry I was grumpy this morning, I love you really, really do, you’re fabulous’ etc. then I’ve no doubt she’d have kicked me out by now! Keeping in email and text messaging contact with each other while apart has helped us stay connected in our hectic lives.

For someone who finds it easier to communicate through the written word rather than the spoken, it is possible to cut the crap (verbal tics, tone of voice, body language, eye contact, halitosis to name a few!) and really get inside another person’s mind. It is possible to be as superficial or intense as you feel and you are sure to be able to find others who wish to communicate on the same level. If, however, appearances and visual stimulus are more your thing, there are sites that enable video messaging, and of course most sites allow photo upload.

Some of the sites allow free trial subscriptions, which annoyingly expire just when things are getting interesting. A few allow unlimited free subscription and all encourage you to upgrade for more features. Some allow you to browse their members without being a member yourself, but most won’t allow you to post messages without subscribing. Most sites contain advertisements and this is sure to be where they get the majority of their revenue. They all work on similar basic principles in that you create a ‘profile’ of yourself and then send/receive messages to/from other people, post to forums and bulletin boards, and enter live chatrooms.

Whether you’re ‘dating’, just looking for friends or want to meet the woman of your dreams, here are some important things to remember.

Safety First

As with any anonymous meetings service, don’t give out personal details such as address and phone number, even email address, in your ‘profile’ (some sites won’t let you do this anyway). Be wary of giving out your details even if to someone you’ve known for some time, unless you already knew them before contacting online. If arranging to meet up, do so in a public place at a safe time and let a third party know where you are and when you expect to be back, then contact them if you’re late. Be aware that the immediacy of email contact can give a false security and remember that it can take months to really get to know someone.

Make Yourself Noticed

Create an appealing profile. Make your description of yourself upbeat and interesting and be as open as possible when you describe your ideal match. That way people will know what you’re looking for. Select your photo carefully. PlanetSappho say that profiles with photos receive up to 7 times more responses than those without. Don’t lie, be as honest as you can but without doing yourself down. Sell yourself as you would in a CV. Go back to your profile and photo to change it as often as you like. People who’ve noticed you but not contacted may notice the changes and be intrigued. Answer all the questions the site asks about such things as what are your favourite films or food. People will search on these to find someone they would like to meet. Browse the forums and post comments. Spark debate and conversation, and people will be more likely to view your profile. Don’t be a wallflower!

Make Yourself Available

Be proactive. Don’t wait for others to contact you, write and introduce yourself to any members with whom you might be compatible – they'll be delighted to hear from you. You can send a smiley if you don’t know what to say. Login regularly, even if only to browse. When you login, if another member is viewing your profile, it will have an icon to indicate you’re logged in which might get you more smiles!

Enhance Your Web Presence

If you enjoy creating an online profile, and want to extend this, set up your own website. There are a number of free webspace providers such as MySpace.com or if you already have an Internet Service Provider, they may have a free website creation kit available with the package. You can upload information about yourself and photos, music and video. Follow the safety guidelines above about personal information. I’ve had my own website for ten years and it has evolved dramatically. But you don’t need to be as productive as me – one page is enough! The benefits of having a website are that, once you’ve begun to communicate with someone, you can direct them to your website rather than repeating all of your interests. You could also begin a blog. This is internet-speak for an online diary or journal – blog is a concatenation of web-log. There are a number of blog sites such as Blogger.com, and if you have a MySpace account like me, you can blog from there.

Beware Of Flames And Faux Pas

Some people enjoy deliberately infuriating other people, and this happens on the net as much as in real life. If someone posts a message that is inflammatory or derogatory, ignore it rather than responding: you may get drawn into something that you would later regret. The lack of visual contact means that email messages are open to misinterpretation, so be wary of jumping to conclusions about someone else’s intentions. Try not to post anything yourself that could be misconstrued as offensive. Don’t use ALL CAPS as this is seen as ‘shouting’.

Preview Your Posts/Messages

Especially when you don’t have the chance to edit after you’ve clicked ‘submit’, you should carefully read over what you’ve written. If there are any typos or grammar errors it will make you look dim. Don’t use excessive punctuation!!!!! This will make you look immature. Think about what you want to say. Remember that although it seems like you’re ‘talking’ when you message people, you are actually being recorded and your words may come back to haunt you!

Most of all, enjoy it! It’s not rocket science, you’re socialising not working so don’t stress. Treat it all as a big laugh because at the end of the day, you never need to meet the people you’re connecting with. If you take it too seriously then you’re more likely to be hurt and disappointed when they inevitably drift away. The woman of your dreams will grow on you rather than being delivered up in a fast-food manner. Take time to build lasting relationships.

Josie Henley-Einion (Velvet Issue 11, Feb 2007)