What Not To Wear

Christmas is the time of good cheer, when all happy lesbians indulge themselves in those great traditions. The overstuffed turkey, followed by the overstuffed girlfriend. The opportunity to use that drill set she bought you three years ago to put up the new Christmas lights. The yearly dilemma of the office Christmas party – to bring the girlfriend or not. What we must all remember in this time of excess, that as ambassadors of lesbian culture, it is most important that we do not fall prey to the fashion faux pas so prevalent in the festive season.

While you might be overly fond of your favourite old dinner jacket, or that shiny purple blouse that seemed so good when kd wore it, you really don’t want to look like a refugee from a gameshow. Whether trying to impress your new in-laws or on the pull for the next girlfriend, it may benefit you to take on board a few helpful hints from the style gurus.

That’s us!

What not to wear… When your mother is visiting

• The new sexy lingerie gift from your lover
• The Doctor Martens boots she insisted you didn’t wear when you were fifteen
• Anything from Clone Zone or Ann Summers

To your child’s school concert (niece, nephew, grandchild etc)

• Nobody Knows I’m A Lesbian tee-shirt (chances are they already do)
• Mini Skirt with Stockings Baggy dungarees, tie-dyed scarf and cannabis leaf earrings
• Anything from Clone Zone or Ann Summers

To the works’ Christmas ‘ Do

• Nobody Knows I’m A Lesbian tee-shirt (unless they all do)
• Drag with false moustache
• Anything sequinned or shiny
• Anything from Clone Zone or Ann Summers

When cooking the Christmas turkey (or vegetarian nut roast)

• Sexy peephole bra (hot fat splashes could result in embarrassing trip to casualty)
• An apron displaying a lesbian joke no-one else will understand
• The PVC mini-dress she bought you last year – you’ll never get back out of it

At any time

• Fluffy boots unless going to a fancy dress party as Chewbacca
• American tan tights – no matter how hard you try, you’ll still look like a lesbian
• Any outfit that combines a tutu and Doc Martens

What to wear when alone with your lover on Christmas night

• Anything from Clone Zone or Ann Summers

Josie & Alys Henley-Einion (Velvet Issue 6, Nov 2005)